“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.