A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader