Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul