*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off