My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no