I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
You Might Also Like
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?