i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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The fall of Netflix
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage