A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Why is no one talking about this?!
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down