Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”