Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My dog learned how to text
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?