Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.