Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Jurassic park gets weird
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra