clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Doctors texting each other.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?