Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM