First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
How did we not see this back then?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car