Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit