*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.