They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
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For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.