HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
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I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Good morning y’all ☀️
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent