i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Chicken bread
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
The news is so predictable nowadays
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang