Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Did I do this right
I cannot call her anything else now
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.