WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.