Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.