You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Me too door. Me too.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds