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Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?