7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You Might Also Like
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!