me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
This is me
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them