Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don鈥檛 team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it鈥檚 for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
People: it鈥檚 important to limit your children鈥檚 screen time
School System: y鈥檃ll heard about virtual learning?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
me and the Superbowl rn
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Still cracks me up
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 馃憦For 馃憦Help 馃憦
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism