If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Its a hippotatomus
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me