[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Favourite diary entry ever
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.