90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married