Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.