Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
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My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
relationship goals
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I wish this was real life…
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Knock Knock
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!