1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters