I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
necessity is the mother of invention
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding