An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
im 7 sauces long
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table