Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
You Might Also Like
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.