accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
😂😂😂
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.