Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
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[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
They’re the worst 😩
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.