to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.