“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
You Might Also Like
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate