The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same