If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
You Might Also Like
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
we’re dead?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount