Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere