It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.