Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
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Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Fries, not lies.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah