INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”