[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.