Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol