officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
You Might Also Like
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
the chicken was already gone when I got here
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Alexa: *deep breath*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire